Missing Menagerie
by Serendipital
Summary: Ed could never refuse his brother, unless it came to cats. A woman and her pleas to find a missing cat changed that. As clues come together, Ed finds out that there's more to the case then there seemed. And it was all that Colonel Bastard's fault.
1. In Which the Duo Encounter an Old Lady

Hi. Uh...this is my first fanfiction, so be as blunt as possible! I want criticism!

"Damn you Mustang!" Edward roared, throwing his gloved hands into the air.

"Brother," Alphonse whined.

"First he sends us on that damn mission, and there weren't even any leads on the Philosopher's Stone! And then he tells us to _write a report? _That bastard!" Ed scuffed the ground with his leather boots, as if imagining that Roy Mustang's face was there. To him, it probably was.

"But Brother, he can't find good leads every time! And we always write reports!" Al said, attempting to defuse the ticking bomb that was Ed.

"But it was _useless_!"He huffed and glared at the ground, waves of anger still flowing off of him.

It was a strange sight to see, at least to any normal person. A giant suit of armor trying to pacify a short, blonde midget? Most would think they were on drugs. _Bad _drugs.

The two brothers were walking down a crowded street, though not as crowded as Central. Tall buildings surrounded them on either side, promising 'good food,' 'a place to stay,' or 'drinks.' It was indeed a pleasant city, one that was surrounded by alleyways full of shady bars, and shady people. And probably a scarred, Ishvalan serial killer that would like nothing else than to blow the blonde midget into bits. But I digress.

As Ed was muttering something rather unpleasant about a womanizing Colonel, an old lady saw it fit to walk up to the pair.

"Please find my Snuffles!" she screeched, her voice like nails on a chalkboard. "You look like a capable young man! Please find my cat! He went missing and–" At this point, the woman threw herself onto Al's steel boots, bursting into tears.

"_Hell _no!" Ed yelled, attempting to drag Al away. Unfortunately, a plump mass was still clinging onto the suit of armor's foot. "Get off, you cow!"

"Oh, _please! _My poor Snuffles is lost out there, and who _knows_ where he is? He could be on someone's dinner plate!" the woman cried. Ed looked up at Al, whose expression was somehow _very _emotional, under the steel.

"Your poor cat! Miss, we'll find him!" Al announced.

"No! Al, we need to get to Central! We can't waste time looking for a stupid cat," Ed pleaded, wishing that Al wasn't so fond of cats.

"Ed! How could you be so inconsiderate! This lady wants us to find her cat, who's probably starving! I always wanted a cat…so please let me do this, Brother!" And that was where Ed's resolve shattered. It broke into a million pieces and was blown away by the wind. Ed inwardly mourned his loss.

"F-fine. But right after that we're going to Central, alright? No more cats!"

"Thank you, Brother!" Al cried, his sad demeanor completely gone, "Miss, what does your cat look like?" Still sniffling, the plump woman handed over a picture. In the picture was a small, golden tabby with black markings around its back, legs, and face. It was apparently scoffing at a bowl of milk.

"It's just like you, Brother!" Al teased. Immediately, a dark aura seemed to surround Ed.

"I. AM. NOT. SHORT!" Ed yelled, snatching the picture away from Al. "Let's go find the damn cat…"

A short few minutes later, the two brothers were wandering around the giant city, scrutinizing it for any signs of the golden tabby. Ed was simply walking, however, lazily looking at the scenery, while Al was ducking into anything he could find. Alleys, stores, trashcans–nothing was off-limits for Al.

"Hey Al," Ed said, spotting a flash of gold. "I think I see it." Al darted in the direction that he was pointing and came back with the golden tabby. "Good, we've got the cat; we can go now."

"But Brother, we need to check first," Al said, taking the picture of the cat from Ed's outstretched hand. The younger brother compared the cat and the picture, taking in every detail. "It's not her cat," Al announced.

"What? How the hell can you tell?" Al held up the cat, showing its undersides to his older brother.

"She's female," Al replied. Ed cursed, turning away to yell at the sky while Al busied himself with stuffing the cat into his torso.

"Damn…come on, Al." Ed turned on his heel and walked forward, throwing his hands in the air. Placing his chest plate back on, Al obediently followed, careful not to move the poor cat.

Suddenly, Ed's stomach growled, causing him to turn to the nearest restaurant and announce, "I'm starving! Let's go in, Al!" Ed called, opening the door. The suit of armor jogged over, accidently disturbing the cat. Hearing a mew, Ed turned suspiciously towards Al, eyeing his torso. "Al…is that a cat?"

"N-no, Brother! That was just your stomach!" Al yelped, nervously waving his hands.

"You know we can't keep a cat," Ed sighed. Seeing Al's pitiful look, he added, "We'll find it a home while we're searching for that other damn cat."

"Thank you, Brother!" He walked over to Ed and ducked his head as they entered the restaurant, his tassel just barely hitting the top. Once they walked in, all heads turned towards them. Most of the attention was focused on Al; it wasn't often that a suit of armor walked into such a place.

"Now, now, I know I'm handsome, but isn't this a bit too much?" Ed grinned, seating himself at a table in the corner. Al followed after him, while a waiter came up to the table, taking out a pen and a small notebook.

"It's an honor to be serving you, Fullmetal Alchemist!" The young man bowed to Al, wringing his hands together nervously.

"O-oh, I'm not..." Al said, pointing to Ed. The waiter looked doubtful.

"Ah, but you look a little young…" He replied, facing Ed.

"Are you implying something?" Ed growled, clenching his fists.

"Well, you are a little sho-"

"WHO ARE YA CALLIN' A LITTLE MIDGET THAT COULD LIVE ON THE SMALLEST HYDROGEN ATOM!"

"Brother, he didn't say that…" Al sighed, glancing apologetically at the man. Soon after, Ed gave his order to a disgruntled waiter, muttering about bad service. As they waited, the locals started to migrate towards them, whispering excitedly.

"So you're the Hero of the People, huh?" A strong-looking man up front asked.

"Yep," Ed announced lazily, leaning into his chair.

"Well, since you're such a hero…care to help us out?" The man walked forward, leaning on the table.

"No," Ed snapped. "I'm already looking for that damn cat; I don't need anything else to deal with." The man's eyes lit up.

"A cat, you say? Then you wouldn't mind lookin' for some of our pets while you're at it, then?" Ed looked up, surprised. _What's with these pets disappearing? Does it have anything to do with that cow's cat?_

"I…might look into it…" Ed said thoughtfully, putting a hand on his chin. "Then again…" A glint appeared in his eye. "What would you be willing to pay me?" The crowd almost lost their balance from the shock.

"What kind of hero are ya?" The strong man yelled. Ed just snickered and watched as the waiter came over with his truckload of food. He watched in delight as the crowd talked amongst themselves, shoveling food into his mouth. They were still arguing once he had finished, but that wasn't much of a surprise to Ed. He ate quickly, after all.

"We're willing to pay you…thirty thousand cenz," The man said doubtfully. Ed grinned and took the receipt from the waiter. After slamming it down on the table dramatically, he dragged Al out of the restaurant and called over his shoulder,

"Have fun paying that!" The crowd looked up and yelled in outrage, as the strong man picked up the bill. His eyes bugged out, as he yelled at the top of his lungs,

"ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND CENZ?"


	2. In Which Info Dumps Are Aplenty

**A/N: **Well, here's another chapter! Thanks to my beta, Fuocoso, for being so awesome. Chuck Norris wants to give you a hug, Fuocoso! And that's a good thing!

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><p>Ed laughed as he heard the surprised shouts. Served them right. Everybody knew not to approach the Fullmetal Alchemist when he's pissed!<p>

"Brother, that wasn't very nice," Al scolded, rubbing the kitten's head. Ed simply shrugged and peered into an alleyway, wanting to get the 'mission' over with.

As they passed by a house, Al darted up to the doorway and rang the bell. Ed watched, uninterested, as a mousy man opened it.

"Hello, sir!" Al said cheerfully. "Would you mind taking in this cat?" The man looked sadly at the kitten and his frown deepened.

"At any other time I would," said the man. "but I'm afraid that I'm looking for my dog right now." Al cocked his head slightly, mulling the information over.

"Why are everybody's pets missing? It seems like everyone has lost a pet." Ed unconsciously moved closer. He was curious as well.

The man shuffled his feet and stepped back inside his home. He waved his hand towards the door. "Come inside."

Ed and Al walked into a sparsely decorated living room, painted in warm colors and giving off a homely feel. "Please, sit down," their host said, seating himself in an armchair across from a sofa. Once the brothers were situated, he began his tale.

"First, I feel I should introduce myself. I'm Rodger Cartwright, veterinarian." Rodger hastily cut Ed off once he was about to speak. "No need to introduce yourselves. You're quite famous around here."

"I don't remember doing anything particularly noteworthy around these parts," Ed mused, golden orbs staring into space. Rodger laughed weakly, slumping further into the chair.

"Not too long ago, a man came through this town and told anyone who could listen about the famous Elric brothers. We didn't even learn his name before he left."

"What did he look like?" Ed asked after a moment's pause, chin in his hand.

"He was quite tall," Rodger answered. "And he always had a cigarette with him. He was blond, as well."

"Anything else?"

"Well, he _was _in the military, but you might not know him." _Havoc? _Ed sat there for a second before the corners of his lips twitched.

"I didn't know he liked me so much." Ed smirked. Rodger looked pleased with the news and leaned forward eagerly.

"Do you know what his name was?"

"Havoc. Chain-smoker extraordinaire." Al looked upset and glared at Ed for a few moments. "It's true!" Ed said defensively. Al just sighed and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like an exasperated "Brother!"

Once Ed and Al had calmed down, an uncomfortable looking Rodger stood up. "May we continue this conversation in the kitchen?" The brothers followed him in.

While Rodger made tea, Ed and Al sat down at the table. Al stroked the kitten while Ed glared distastefully at it.

Rodger sat down at the table, glancing over his shoulder every moment or two to assure that the tea was brewing properly.

"About the pets…" Ed prompted. Rodger nodded wearily.

"Yes…about two months ago, everyone's pets began disappearing. At first, it didn't happen very often, and no one was suspicious. After all, pets go missing all the time in a city like this. However, as more and more pets began disappearing, we began to get suspicious.

"It didn't exactly help that no one could ever find the pets again. The city's occupants began hiding their pets away in the safety of their homes, including myself. This is the state we are in at the moment, but the panic has decreased."

Ed nodded slowly, piercing, golden eyes burning into Rodger's. "Anything else you can tell us?"

"I'm afraid I can't, although I'll attempt to gather more information." Ed sighed and shook his head. This whole 'missing pets' business was suspicious. Who would need a whole city's worth of pets? And why?

Al exchanged a glance with his brother. Pets missing…it could lead anywhere. They needed more information.

"Well…thanks for the information. We'll come back if you need us." Ed led his brother out the door after a half-hearted wave.

They walked along the street, searching for anything out of place.

"Damn it, Al! When did this become an investigation?"

"I think it was like this since the restaurant, Brother."

"That was a rhetorical question." As if in response, the kitten hissed at Ed, fur standing on end. Ed eyed it warily. "You'd better find a home for this beast soon." Al pulled the kitten away from his brother, holding it protectively.

"He's an innocent little kitten! Don't be so mean to him," Al said. Ed huffed in reply and walked faster.

"Colonel Bastard's going to fry my ass when I get back," Ed growled. "But I'll stuff a rock up _his _ass first_._" Al gave a long-suffering sigh.

"Brother…Colonel Mustang is just doing his job!" Ed held back a bark of laughter.

"Job? I thought he was just bunking there, and found that the mountain of paper would count as a suitable pillow."

"Wha-?" Al yelped.

"Well, it's true," Ed replied.

"No, no, Brother! Look over there!" Ed followed his gaze to find a giant hound staring hungrily him. Before Ed could blink, the dog had pinned him onto the ground, licking his face.

"Agh! Get this hellhound off of me!" yelled Ed, kicking at the dog. It stayed on his chest, wet slobber continuing to drip on the blonde teen's face. Al giggled softly, holding his hand against his 'mouth.' "It isn't funny!"

"Oh, my apologies!" a voice called, snapping Al out of his giggling fit. "Here, Mastiff, here boy!" The dog obediently jumped off of Ed's chest and made its way over to the man.

He had graying hair, and an expensive tuxedo that _screamed,_ "I'm rich! Rob me!"

Ed pushed himself off the ground, scowling and wiping away the drool. "Are you all right?" the man asked, signaling for the dog to stay. He walked closer and held out his hand. "If I may, young man, what is your name? I am Mayor Stapleton." Ed took the hand offered.

"Edward Elric. Nice to meet you." The mayor's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline.

"Why, Mr. Elric! I have much to tell you!" Ed raised an eyebrow.

"You were expecting me?"

"Yes, of course! Now come along, let's continue this in my house." Mayor Stapleton led the pair through the winding streets, and after only a few turns, they made it to a large estate. There was a strip of grass on either side of the large mansion, which was bigger than anyone else's in the city. The mayor walked into a parlor, where a small table was set up. It was much less homely than Rodger's; the walls were a startling white that should have belonged in a hospital.

At that thought, Ed curled his lip in disgust. Now he had to talk to a guy whose house looked like a hospital.

"So…you said you were expecting me?" Ed asked, drumming his fingers on the table.

"Yes! One…Colonel Mustang said to talk to you should I see you." Ed stopped mid-tap, his head slowly turning towards the mayor.

"Mustang?" Al, sensing the waves of anger, held his hands in front of him anxiously.

"B-Brother, I'm sure he had a reason-"

"THAT _BASTARD_!"


	3. In Which Attempts at Humor are Failed

Wow, this was quick! And it's all thanks to my beta, Fuocoso! Yay! She persuaded me to finish this before writing the other fanfic that is currently posted. He he...anyway, I'm going to put up a disclaimer, just so that you guys know I don't own FMA.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. **Arakawa Hiromu **does. See? I even put it in bold.

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><p>The mayor shied away from the angry State Alchemist, not at all calmed by Al's success at holding him still. "I take it you're not the best of friends?" Stapleton laughed, but it was high-pitched and definitely not a happy one.<p>

"That bastard! Al, let me go! I need to run back to Central and kick his ass!" Ed squirmed in his brother's tough hold.

"But what about the kitten? And the disappearances?"

"Screw the kitten!" Ed paused in his squirming. "But the disappearances are interesting…"

"Yes, Brother! The disappearances! Don't forget them!"

Ed sighed and grumbled, allowing himself to be placed back onto the floor. "It would be a pain, anyway..." Al brightened at Ed's apparent anger management. "But I'll still kill him when we get back!"

"Brother…" Al shook his head.

Stapleton coughed softly, creeping towards the two brothers. "Is it safe?" he asked Al, blue eyes sneaking a glance at Ed. Al giggled and nodded.

"Yes, well," the mayor cleared his throat, "as you apparently know, there have been disappearances for a while now. The poor pets who were kidnapped have not been seen since, and those still in the city are locked indoors for their safety. The citizens are beginning to panic." He paused, looking at Ed expectantly.

Ed stared back, blowing a strand of golden hair out of his face. "You want me to investigate, right?"

The mayor nodded sheepishly. "Yes, if you could-"

"Anything to keep me away from that pyromaniac!" Ed yelled.

"But Brother, weren't you just talking about how you were going to kill him?" Al asked.

"Well, now I want to stay away from him!"

Al just sighed and turned back towards Stapleton, who was looking very confused.

"Uh, th-thank you." Stapleton bowed his head.

Ed displayed a toothy grin. "Let's get going, Al." Al picked the kitten off the floor and waved to the mayor before the door shut.

"So, Al! Where should we go next?" Ed placed his hands behind his head, stomping heavily on the pavement with his boots. Al shrugged and scratched the kitten's head.

"Do you know where, girl?"

The kitten meowed and leaped out of Al's arms. She waved her tail and lifted her head proudly, then padded towards an alleyway. Ed and Al exchanged confused glances before following.

The alleyway was relatively clean; there was no trash littering the ground and no strays to speak of. It was sided by two large apartment buildings, both made of tan stone.

The kitten stopped before a wooden door that was weathered and nearly falling off its hinges. She meowed and scratched at it, standing on her hind legs to add to her height.

The door swung open slowly, revealing a man with dark brown hair and green eyes. He was tall and gangly, and was wearing a white apron over some plain brown clothes.

"Hey, girl! How are ya doin' today?" He reached down and scratched the kitten's ear. As he stood up, he noticed the two brothers. "Oh, did she bring you here?"

"Yeah. Is this a restaurant?" Ed asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

The man nodded and opened the door wider. "You wanna come in?" He turned around and walked inside, allowing Ed and Al to walk through. The kitten followed behind them, tail somehow raised even higher into the air.

"All right," the man said. "I'm George. You two would be Edward and Alphonse, am I right? I heard a lot about you from the smoking man."

They nodded, shutting the door behind them. The man led them further into the room. It was packed with wooden boxes of all shapes and sizes, and there was a large sink in the corner, surrounded by various cleaning instruments.

"I'm the busboy here, and this is where I work. Feel free to stay." He walked over to the sink and began scrubbing dishes, humming a tune while he worked. Ed and Al remained standing, not sure of what to do. "You can sit down on those boxes over there. They don't have anything in them, so it should be okay."

Ed tapped his fingers on his leg, one at a time, while he waited. He glanced up at the man, then looked down at his feet. "So…how old are you, George?"

Eyebrow raised, George asked, "I'm fifteen. Why?"

Ed clenched his teeth and curled his hands into fists, trembling. "Oh, no reason…"_Why the hell is he so tall? Damn him!_ George shrugged and went back to his work. It only took him a couple of minutes to finish washing the dishes, so he sat down next to the brothers. The kitten leaped into George's lap and curled up, tail waving contentedly.

"So, why did Edwina lead you here? She's a pretty smart cat."

Al giggled, hand clasped over his mouth.

"Not a word, Alphonse," Ed growled, glaring at the kitten. George chuckled and gestured for Ed to keep talking.

"We're investigating the pets' disappearances. Do you know anything?"

George shook his head. "Nothing that would help you." He jerked and pointed his finger into the air. "Wait! I remember something. All of this started to happen after our city's festival."

"A festival?" Ed asked, leaning in.

"Yeah. It's a celebration for the day that this place was founded. There's food, games, and performances…" George smiled to the air for a second before suddenly frowning. "But this year's was a little strange."

"How so?"

"Well, first off, the matches we always use for our ceremonial lighting were damp, and the man in charge of the lighting swore he didn't drop them. We had to use ordinary ones. Then there was Ms. Tetran. She usually has this great game stand, but she wasn't here this year."

Ed frowned. "Is she missing?"

George laughed, and shook his head. "No, the mayor found a note in his mail later, saying that she was sorry she missed the festival. She left the city to go see her grandkids a day before it."

Ed smiled slightly. "Well, that's good then. But did you find out who ruined the matches?"

"No, we never did. It was a strange thing." Seeing Ed's thoughtful expression, George added, "It was probably just that man bluffing. He's real proud. He'd never admit he dropped the matches."

"Anything else?"

"No, not that I can think of." George stood up slowly, shaking the kitten off of his lap. "Well, it's about time I get back to work." He nodded towards the small pile of dishes on a few planks sticking out of the doorway. A hand pushed another plate through the slot behind it. "But first…" He grabbed a piece of chicken from one of the plates and held it out to Edwina, who swallowed it quickly.

"Before I go, can you tell me where this man lives? The man in charge of the matches?" Ed asked, standing up.

"Yeah. He's Mr. Floordsky. He lives on the east side of town, right next to a casino. It's hard to miss." George grabbed the plates and dunked them into the sink. "Bye."

"See ya!" Al walked out of the room, ducking so that he could fit through the doorway. Ed reluctantly picked up the kitten and followed, then closed the door behind him.

He stood outside the door for a few seconds, staring at the kitten who was flicking her tail in annoyance. "I guess you damn cats can be useful," he said, pointedly looking away from Al's delighted gaze. "But we're not keeping one!" Al crumpled and looked down.

"I knew it was too good to be true…"

Edwina grinned and flicked her ear, then hopped up onto the State Alchemist's head. She curled up and dug her claws into his hair.

"Damn it! Ow! Get off!" Ed tried to pry off the cat, but she stayed still. Al laughed and pointed at Ed.

"Karma, Brother."

"Shove it."


	4. In Which It's Hot, and Ed Gets Annoyed

It was so _hot._

The sun baked the whole city, turning the stone paths into red-hot coals no one dared to step on. Not a soul was in sight; they were all in their houses enjoying the cool.

Except for Ed. Ed was currently walking along the streets, fluffy, warm kitten in hand. Said fluffy kitten's tongue was hanging out, and it looked utterly miserable. Its expression was akin to the blonde midget's, who was glaring at a certain suit of armor.

Al was completely unaffected by the heat. Like Ed, his metal was steaming, but thanks to him not having a body, he wasn't affected at all.

"Al…not fair." Ed scowled. "I'm burning up over here."

Edwina meowed her agreement.

"I'm sorry," Al laughed.

Ed scowled, but after another minute of walking, found someone to blame his problems on. "Even when we're far away, that bastard finds a way to haunt us." He glanced at the kitten on his shoulder. "The stupid cat isn't helping much either."

Edwina managed a small meow that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. Al joined the kitten, amused.

"Well, there's a restaurant over there," Al said between chuckles. "You just ate, though."

"That's fine." Ed grabbed Al's hand and darted to the door. He pulled it open to see…the restaurant he had eaten at before. "We-we've been going in circles…" Ed whispered, eyebrow twitching.

"Brother?" Al stared at the occupants.

"What, Al? I'm busy mourning the loss of time here."

"Everybody…they're the same men from before."

"And?"

"They don't look too happy."

Ed looked up and gazed around the room. Each and every one of the people in there had a stormy expression on their face. They slowly stood up and started walking towards the brothers.

"Damn." Ed grabbed his brother's hand once more and ran out of the restaurant, going as fast as he could. He was already covered in sweat, but he kept going. "In here!" Ed called, ducking into an alleyway.

Edwina meowed and walked up to a door that was nearly falling off its hinges.

"Shut up, cat!"

Edwina clawed at the door, meowing louder and louder. The door swung open to reveal…

"George." Ed stared at the taller teen. "George." His laugh was high and hysterical. "We went in a circle…"

"B-Brother?"

"George? You're showing us the way. Get out."

"Wha? But I just got back to work! I can't just leave." George gestured to the dirty dishes on the counter behind him.

"No. Out. Now." Ed grabbed his sleeve and pulled him out of the doorway. He shut the door and clapped his hands.

"Wait, Brother!"

A blue light shined as the doorway and stone melted together. George just stared, dumbfounded.

"I guess I can take you," he said, backing away from the annoyed midget.

"Good. Let's go." Ed stomped out of the alleyway, leaving three beings staring in varying degrees of fear.


End file.
